Unfolding the Wallflower
By Jessica Graff
My fifth grade teacher took my mom aside during a teacher conference and asked her if there was anything wrong with me. My teacher hadn’t heard me speak to any other student unless prompted by a question and I never raised my hand in class. The only time I ever responded to anyone with words was when directly addressed.
My mom assured Mrs. Chapman that I was a perfectly normal girl at home and that there was no need to worry. This incident haunted me throughout my elementary years and on through my middle school years. I was a likeable girl, always had a smile on my face, I just preferred not to talk. My first day of high school I had all planned out. There was a senior girl who I had always admired from afar and I decided to make her my role model of my new ‘self.’
That first day was exhausting. I had introduced myself and all of my friends to every new freshman that year and had reconnected with every friend I had since kindergarten. I was willing to put myself in the front of every game that we played at orientation, each time asking myself, “what would Beth do?”
To become the person that you want to be it helps to have a very firm idea of who it is that you want to be. You can have a real, living model like I did, or perhaps you would prefer to write down someone that you would like to be. If you choose this option it is important that you make a list of detailed descriptions, such as what this person would wear, say, how they would do their hair, what they would do in their free time, and what they would do in a series of scenarios. This will give you a basic outline of who it is you want to be.
I had Beth in the back of my mind every time I made a social decision. This seemed to take some of the pressure off of me for some reason because it wasn’t really “me” acting, it was this person inside of me, and for whatever reason, that made things ok. I made sure that I got invited to every social event possible and that I showed up so that I could broaden the amount of people that knew me. I said hi to people I didn’t recognize in the hall and got their names during lunch. I put myself out there, knowing that I did not want to be shy anymore. Looking people in the eye and smiling is a huge confidence booster. It shows that you are comfortable enough with yourself to share it with others and more often than not you will get a smile in return, and this feels good.
It is important to remember that yes, while life is a stage, like Shakespeare says, it is a stage where everyone is so concentrated on their own character that they are playing that they do not pay much attention to what the next person is doing. I realized this as I reflected every night what I had done that day and what decisions I had made. Everyone was so caught up in themselves that they didn’t see what others were doing or pretending to be and this intrigued me.
Beth was my role model all through high school and I had a great time. I have realized there are parts of me that will never change, like the fact that I am an introvert and get my energy from being alone, pondering or writing. This will not change. It is important to understand things about yourself that you know will not change and to allow those things to stay the same, compromising your way around them. Now that I have been out on my own for four years and have had the opportunity to try on many personalities it is now habit to want to talk to people and learn about them. I still sometimes have to push myself and ask, “what would Beth do” because sometimes what I want to do and what I would respect someone else doing do not match up. I try hard to make decisions that others would admire.
There is no need to be afraid as to what people are thinking because they are probably only thinking about themselves and wondering what you are thinking about them, the same way you are wondering the identical thing. Find a role model that you can use as an outline to the person that you want to become. Don’t be afraid to try new things and put yourself out there. Take a deep breath and push. The only way that a person can grow is by stretching a little bit, and stretch you will.
My fifth grade teacher took my mom aside during a teacher conference and asked her if there was anything wrong with me. My teacher hadn’t heard me speak to any other student unless prompted by a question and I never raised my hand in class. The only time I ever responded to anyone with words was when directly addressed.
My mom assured Mrs. Chapman that I was a perfectly normal girl at home and that there was no need to worry. This incident haunted me throughout my elementary years and on through my middle school years. I was a likeable girl, always had a smile on my face, I just preferred not to talk. My first day of high school I had all planned out. There was a senior girl who I had always admired from afar and I decided to make her my role model of my new ‘self.’
That first day was exhausting. I had introduced myself and all of my friends to every new freshman that year and had reconnected with every friend I had since kindergarten. I was willing to put myself in the front of every game that we played at orientation, each time asking myself, “what would Beth do?”
To become the person that you want to be it helps to have a very firm idea of who it is that you want to be. You can have a real, living model like I did, or perhaps you would prefer to write down someone that you would like to be. If you choose this option it is important that you make a list of detailed descriptions, such as what this person would wear, say, how they would do their hair, what they would do in their free time, and what they would do in a series of scenarios. This will give you a basic outline of who it is you want to be.
I had Beth in the back of my mind every time I made a social decision. This seemed to take some of the pressure off of me for some reason because it wasn’t really “me” acting, it was this person inside of me, and for whatever reason, that made things ok. I made sure that I got invited to every social event possible and that I showed up so that I could broaden the amount of people that knew me. I said hi to people I didn’t recognize in the hall and got their names during lunch. I put myself out there, knowing that I did not want to be shy anymore. Looking people in the eye and smiling is a huge confidence booster. It shows that you are comfortable enough with yourself to share it with others and more often than not you will get a smile in return, and this feels good.
It is important to remember that yes, while life is a stage, like Shakespeare says, it is a stage where everyone is so concentrated on their own character that they are playing that they do not pay much attention to what the next person is doing. I realized this as I reflected every night what I had done that day and what decisions I had made. Everyone was so caught up in themselves that they didn’t see what others were doing or pretending to be and this intrigued me.
Beth was my role model all through high school and I had a great time. I have realized there are parts of me that will never change, like the fact that I am an introvert and get my energy from being alone, pondering or writing. This will not change. It is important to understand things about yourself that you know will not change and to allow those things to stay the same, compromising your way around them. Now that I have been out on my own for four years and have had the opportunity to try on many personalities it is now habit to want to talk to people and learn about them. I still sometimes have to push myself and ask, “what would Beth do” because sometimes what I want to do and what I would respect someone else doing do not match up. I try hard to make decisions that others would admire.
There is no need to be afraid as to what people are thinking because they are probably only thinking about themselves and wondering what you are thinking about them, the same way you are wondering the identical thing. Find a role model that you can use as an outline to the person that you want to become. Don’t be afraid to try new things and put yourself out there. Take a deep breath and push. The only way that a person can grow is by stretching a little bit, and stretch you will.
